Running circles in my own head

I have always thought of myself as a really independent person. When I was little I started dressing myself at a 3 or 4. Which usually ended up with outfits that consisted of my brothers socks pulled up to my knees, some stripped shorts and a polka dotted shirt. My Mom would just let me go with it because it was not like she had much of a choice, I was a pretty strong minded little one, so I have been told.

What I have come to realize is that when my Dad passed away that all changed for me. I was no longer that strong minded independent little kid anymore. I became stand offish and through the years have built up a wall. Most people that know me and my family would just call it being a Bench. I believe that I just live within my own head. This doesn't neccersarily help the healing end for me. I need to learn to pull outside of myself and trust. That's a big step for someone like myself. I think that I am slowly on my way.

Whenever I go and do something I always have someone with me. I NEVER go and do things alone. Everyone knows this about me. About a month ago there was a field trip for the home school Dillon was in at the time. I packed up the kids and went alone. I always have Gina to lean on for things like this but she couldn't make this one. It's so hard for us sometimes, one of our kids always gets sick. This is the FIRST time EVER that I had taken the kids by myself to an outing. We went to the L.A. county fair and they had a good time despite the heat. I was proud of myself for doing that and not breaking down. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to finally take my Bail License test. Which means studying my butt off and the time to do so.....yikes! Also a drive out to L.A. Which I have never done my Husband always drives when we go out there. Well my Husband helped with the study time. He called off of work so I could go take my test. I drove out to L.A. ALONE for the first time. I did have to ask some lady where to buliding was because my GPS was a dumbass(which I would have never done before). I took my test and passed. I was so proud of myself because that was the first time in my life that I have ever done something like that for myself.

I am hoping that by doing small things here and there independently that it will help pull me outside of my head.