Running circles in my own head

I have always thought of myself as a really independent person. When I was little I started dressing myself at a 3 or 4. Which usually ended up with outfits that consisted of my brothers socks pulled up to my knees, some stripped shorts and a polka dotted shirt. My Mom would just let me go with it because it was not like she had much of a choice, I was a pretty strong minded little one, so I have been told.

What I have come to realize is that when my Dad passed away that all changed for me. I was no longer that strong minded independent little kid anymore. I became stand offish and through the years have built up a wall. Most people that know me and my family would just call it being a Bench. I believe that I just live within my own head. This doesn't neccersarily help the healing end for me. I need to learn to pull outside of myself and trust. That's a big step for someone like myself. I think that I am slowly on my way.

Whenever I go and do something I always have someone with me. I NEVER go and do things alone. Everyone knows this about me. About a month ago there was a field trip for the home school Dillon was in at the time. I packed up the kids and went alone. I always have Gina to lean on for things like this but she couldn't make this one. It's so hard for us sometimes, one of our kids always gets sick. This is the FIRST time EVER that I had taken the kids by myself to an outing. We went to the L.A. county fair and they had a good time despite the heat. I was proud of myself for doing that and not breaking down. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to finally take my Bail License test. Which means studying my butt off and the time to do so.....yikes! Also a drive out to L.A. Which I have never done my Husband always drives when we go out there. Well my Husband helped with the study time. He called off of work so I could go take my test. I drove out to L.A. ALONE for the first time. I did have to ask some lady where to buliding was because my GPS was a dumbass(which I would have never done before). I took my test and passed. I was so proud of myself because that was the first time in my life that I have ever done something like that for myself.

I am hoping that by doing small things here and there independently that it will help pull me outside of my head.

Peaceful time

Recently I was able to sit down and complete my first craft project in ages. I decided on putting together a Halloween wreath. Halloween is my favorite time of the year and for some reason I am sparse on decorations. I got all my supplies out, I will admit I had to hunt for a few. Even Jake had to hunt down my needle nose pliers for me. The good old if I would have put them in my craft box right?

I got Jake's Ipod put the new Red hots album on and my ear plugs in. Sat down to my table of supplies and focused on my project. That is something that I never get to do. This is all thanks to my husband watching the kids while I was doing this. I am glad that glad that I got this time, it was nice.

Alone time

As many of you Mothers know having kids can create a whole different kind of stress. I have issues with releasing that stress. I don't know how to relax and unwind. I also have forgot how to entertain myself as my Husband as brought to my attention. I have never thought about it but he is right. I am so used to not being alone that when I am I have NO clue what to do with myself. Being the supportive Husband that he is he has given me a push with this. He gave me some ideas on what I used to like doing before we had kids. I can't remember the last time that I was able to sit down and do a craft project that wasn't for a baby shower. I know the last thing that I did was a basket when I was pregnant with my daughter and she's now 2. He suggested that I sew but what? I have nothing to sew. So I went out and got some stuff. Along with another project that I've been dying to so. I have been wanting to make some holiday wreaths. I took some time away that day to shop alone. It was strange but really nice. Doing so without the distractions. I am hoping that getting to have these little quiet times left to my little projects will help. I am thankful for my Husbands suggestion.

Dillon started 2nd grade

Those that know school has been a big struggle for my oldest Dillon due to his Autism.  The school that he was in up in Apple Valley allowed him to become very lazy with his academics.  He would go to school ans sit ans do hidden picture books or maze books instead of school work.  So, then when it came time for him to do homework it was BEYOND a chore for me.  Also he would bring home art projects that he himself did not even complete.  It got to a point where he would cry to have to go to school.  He became a very unhappy kid.  This made Jake and I unhappy parents.  We made the decision to home school him.  I then had about a four month fight in order to pull him out of that school and get him into the home school program.  Once I started home schooling him I had a lot of habits to break that they let happen.  I started to see a change in him though.  Dillon started smiling again and became that happy boy that we once knew.

Now we are on Dillon's first week of second grade and I am home schooling him again. We feel that it is the BEST choice.  He needs to get to a place where he is comfortable going back and can go there safely.  My goal for him is third grade to get him back into a public school in a SDC class.  I want to see him succeed, be happy and have some friends.

Feeling lost

For quite some time now I have felt lost.  It pretty much started when I had my last kid.  I have been left with this feeling of " who am I exactly".  It feels like though over the years I have lost myself or I never knew who I was really.  Besides being a wife and mother really who am I?  I have been sitting on this.  I feel as like I really put every ones needs before mine way too much.  But, at the same time that is just the way that I have always been. I have been a nurturer since I was little.

Playing things growing up I would say that I wanted to be a librarian because we would play school.  Then I would say a bagger at the grocery store because of playing grocery store.  I had a little shopping cart and would use the coffee table as a conveyor belt.  My favorite was that I said I wanted to fill the soda vending machines, really! I guess there was a man that had showed me how to do it when I was little and I was fascinated with it.  Other then that I never had dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I never had plans for myself.  Truth of the matter is that I never thought that I would be this old.  I couldn't see myself this far when I was in High School even.

Now that I am 32 Married and have 3 kids where do I see myself?  I see day to day and some of the tasks that I have to do tomorrow.  What I want more then anything is to be able to see myself as an individual!  I want to be able to feel things without it being one side of the spectrum or the other.  Meaning for me.....I either get supper emotional or I am tuned out.  I would love to figure out who I am some where in my healing process.

ANTS!!!!

It seems as though this CA heat has drawn in a whole crew of ants into my house.  They started in the kitchen.  Which anyone that knows me knows that is MY domain!  I can not stand that everything is moved about due to these invaders that will not seem to leave.  NOW they have migrated to the living room and are on the fireplace tile.  ARGH is what I have to say to them.  Well that's what I have to say to them nicely put.  Dillon has taken it upon himelf to pound them out, when he finds them.  For some reason bugs trigger something with him and he feels the need to squish them all.  I just want them gone and our house back.

Day two of my blog

Here goes my second blog and what seems like an eon ago.  I feel as though yesterday was a major low for me.  I just woke up in a non-productive mood and in a funk.  Which hasn't been like me since I have started my now SIXTH med.  Recently I went into see my Pysch due to the fact thtat I couldn't pull myself up from my ultra down.  I knew that my meds weren't working.  My moods are all over the place and I had been telling him that and he had been trying to work with me.  FINALLY he came to the realization that I may be bipolar.  SO, my meds were uped AGAIN and I have been put onto mood stabelizers along with my anti depressants.  I will appologize for any spelling or other errors at this point. I have been awake for hours now due to that fact that I couldn't sleep. It is 6:53am and anyone that knows me knows I am normally a night owl. But, since my switch that has changed about me.  Also I have been more motivated to get things done.  I feel as though slowly I am getting myself back.  My organization skills are falling back into place.  This is the strangest feeling for me to have, since I have been this way for so long. I just hope and pray that it is not short lived.

Daily struggle

So here goes my first post to what is my attempt at a blog and getting some of my bottled up feelings out.  My hopes in all of this are to unload some stress for myself and maybe help someone else along the way.  I deal with my depression on a daily basis and get so tied of these feelings that I have.  It is so hard to deal with for myself then to be a wife and a mother of three kids.  Another struggle that I have is that my oldest is Autistic.  I know that my depression effects others around me.  My deepest fear is that it effects my oldest that most.  That it effects his proggress and daily struggle as well.  I have often wondered if me being around him is more harm then good.  But, Then I know that he needs my love ans support no matter what my faults may be.

All I know is that finally seeking help after living wtih this monster of depression all these years I hope that something happens.  My hopes and prayers are for me to one day to not have these feelings and to be able to smile without it being FAKE!